To Smash the World's Shell
by Starbrigid
Summary: Why did Touga just stay and hide in his room all that time when Utena beat him? What was it like for him? A little glimpse of just who Kiryuu Touga is.


Disclaimer- Standard disclaimer applies. Chiho Saito, blah blah, etc., etc.  
  
Author's Note- This is set sometime in the Kuro no Bara (Black Rose) Arc, anytime from  
episode 14 to episode 19 or beyond. This is a bit of what I imagined Touga might be  
thinking, my little attempt to get into his head. Feedback always highly appreciated.  
  
To Smash the World's Shell  
by Starbrigid  
  
"If we do not smash the world's shell-"  
  
***  
  
The words still lingered, even as the music which had replaced them played on, flowing  
on, a river. A river to wash himself away. Wash away the time as it passed him by, only  
punctuated by Nanami's frequent visits and impotent pleas, and the dull begging of his  
body for a just a bit of food or water.  
  
Time washed away the fact that Tenjou Utena was a prince and he was a shell of one.  
  
He wondered what they'd say, sometimes, if he ever left his room and returned to Ohtori  
Gakuen. Clear in his imagination was the mocking contempt in all their beautiful eyes.  
Cute little Miki's pity, for he was a truly empathic creature, but he had touched the boy's  
Himemiya, touched his beloved sister, so in his imagination, deep blue eyes that peered  
into his were full of hate.  
  
"If you don't protect the things you love, someone will take them away from you."  
  
Juri's cool withdrawal, as she was withdrawn from all things, at least on the surface.  
Seeming indifference he imagined, and through it her complete mastery over him. He  
imagined how she would make his title only matter in name. Arisugawa Juri, dick-  
chopper.  
  
"Believe in miracles and your wish will come true."  
  
Anthy's blankness. A lack of feeling would be all he would get from her. He still  
remembered how completely it had ruined Saionji. Would it have the same effect on him?  
Would it make him collapse like it had his not-friend?  
  
"Cheer up, Saionji, my classmate."  
  
And Utena's sheer, breathtaking contempt. She'd never wanted him. NEVER.  
  
"I've taken myself back."  
  
Would all the girls that had adored him be disgusted with him? Would even those shallow  
little playthings be able to sense that spark, that specialness missing from him? Utena  
wouldn't EVER let him touch her, but would any other?  
  
I should MOVE, he told himself violently, feeling suddenly disgusted at the pit of self-  
loathing he had descended into. I am Kiryuu Touga. I'm not WEAK. I don't hide from  
those inferior to me. I was defeated, but it was only a minor setback. I can still be master  
of the Student Council, still be wanted, still revolutionize the world. Still possess Tenjou  
Utena. I'm still strong.  
  
Touga didn't move.  
  
If we do not smash the world's shell...  
  
The river of music continued to flow, right on through him. He closed his eyes, and he  
could ignore the cool weight of the role seal on his finger, though it still remained there.  
He could erase the images of Miki, Juri, Utena, Anthy, even Father and the long-gone  
Saionji laughing at him from behind his eyes.  
  
Utena's cool voice echoed in his ears. "I've taken myself back."  
  
The rose seal weighed heavy on his hand.  
  
"I've taken myself back."  
  
"I've taken myself back."  
  
"I've-"  
  
"Shut up," Touga hissed. "What do you know? Nothing."  
  
If you show a face to the world that isn't you, maybe you can make that the truth. But  
maybe not.  
  
The rose seal burned, a cold fire. He opened his eyes and looked at it. The images of Miki,  
Juri, Utena, Anthy, and Nanami were superimposed there calmly, still, there to stay.  
  
"I've taken myself back."  
  
"I've taken-"  
  
Touga pulled the ring off his finger and threw it across the room.  
  
He heard the door crack open, saw the dark shadow on the wall become further  
encompassed by another one. "Nanami, go away," he whispered. "I can't deal with you  
now."  
  
"Get up."  
  
The river swelled, then burst.  
  
Touga's gaze shifted down to the broken remains of his gramophone, lying strewn around  
Ohtori Akio's perfectly polished black shoes.  
  
"Was that really necessary?" he asked, drawing upon a bit of his old effortless arrogance  
once more.  
  
Akio remained quiet, but reached out a dark hand, took Touga's in it. A long, graceful  
finger traced the faint imprint where the rose seal had been. It had not been taken off  
once before since he gave it to its red-haired bearer.  
  
Touga remembered the look in Akio's eyes as he had given him his rose seal. And  
remembered. He remembered the second ring Akio had put in his hands and remembered  
the older man's whispered instructions. He had given it the second rose seal to Saionji  
that night.  
  
They had dueled, as always, only with a bit more harshness and anger in their strikes.  
Saionji was particularly vindictive, but Touga had won the clear majority of the matches,  
as always. By the time the night was over, light was creeping into the dark sky once  
more, and they were too tired to fight, Saionji was downcast and red-faced, surly and  
cruel in his unspoken humiliation.  
  
"These stupid rings," he'd muttered, searching for some sort of target to lash out at.  
"They're PINK, for god's sakes. With a girly little rose on them. What's so special about  
them? Why should we wear these, anyway?"  
  
Touga remembered how he'd turned to his friend, traced the ring still firmly placed around  
his friend's finger, looked into violet eyes, and whispered, "Saionji, I think they're  
beautiful."  
  
"There's no such thing as something eternal."  
  
"Mr. Chairman," Touga finally whispered. "Are you the one behind my undoing?"  
  
"Why do you stay here?" Akio purred in that low seductive voice of his. "Don't you want to  
bring the world revolution?"  
  
Revolution... to bring.. Touga's hand, still free of his ring, spasmed... Bring the world...  
bring... SMASH THE WORLD'S SHELL... Tenjou Utena's face swam behind his eyes... bring  
(Utena) the world...Utena... to bring (we will die) the world (without ever) REVOLUTION-  
  
(Truly being born)  
  
When he finally opened his eyes, the music was still playing, his gramophone still whole  
and undamaged. Akio was nowhere in sight. Then he started. The weight of the rose seal  
on his finger was gone. His ring lay where he had thrown it in his... dream? He blinked,  
stared at it.  
  
I know who I am, he told himself. I can still choose.  
  
But, a voice remaining in his head whispered, I know WHOSE I am as well, and that is the  
most powerful thing of all.  
  
He still couldn't leave. Still couldn't get up and move and face them all.  
  
Who am I, then? He wondered. If I can't choose after all, if I'm not strong enough to face  
them, if all I've been until now is a lie, if being Akio's pawn remains over it all... then  
what lies underneath? Who is Kiryuu Touga?  
  
Throw it all away, he told himself. Just leave it to burn. Break free. If a chick does not  
break free of its egg, it will die without being born. Don't let that happen. Smash the  
world's shell. For the revolution- the revolution-  
  
Touga got up, picked up the ring from where he had thrown it, and slid it back on his  
finger.  
  
***  
  
"We will die without being born." 


End file.
